Commitment

I don't like it. And yet it keeps running into me and forcing me down to the ground. Or maybe I keep seeking it out trying to conquer my fear of it. If I'm honest, it's more of the latter. I still don't have to like it.

So here I am committing again. Something I am afraid of doing. So maybe I will make it a small commitment. For the rest of the year (that's only three and a half months or so) I'm going to commit to posting something every Saturday or Sunday. I want to make this commitment, because I want to see if I can do it. I would like to get better at writing, and I believe the more I do it, the better I get. And if I make a commitment to do it, and I make it public like this (although I'm doubtful very many, if anybody, is keeping track) that will force me to keep writing. So there you go, as soon as I hit the publish button, commitment made.

While we're on the topic of commitment, maybe I could delve into what I don't like about it. Failing. That's what I don't like about it. If I commit to something, that means I need to do it. Now the reason why I wouldn't want to do something most often lines up with my fear of not being able to do said thing well, or to be brutally honest, perfect. Because I'm a bit of a perfectionist. My wife may say a big bit. My family members may agree with her, because we're all Morgans. To do something means you might fail, and to commit to doing something means you might failing doing it, or you might fail the commitment by not doing it. So you're forced into risking a failure either way you go. Which I hate. So I hate commitment, unless I'm absolutely sure. There's the second thing I hate about commitment. I'm unsure of the future. Committing to something means I have to go down that path no matter what the future holds, and I may or may not want to be down that path when the future gets here. Which ties back in with the overwhelming desire to be sure before I commit to something.

To summarize: I like to play God. I like to be in control. Things need to happen how I see them fit, and yet I recognize that that is not how it's going to be, and so I am afraid. I am afraid of not being in control. And I'm trying to work on that. I recognize that this isn't right. Which brings me face to face with commitment. Surrendering my control of the future, acknowledging my imperfections, (and accepting that God will be more glorified through them, than me being perfect) I make this, albeit small, commitment.