"We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean we're all sinking;
And Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about, the way, that
He loves us, O, how He loves us, O, how He loves us, O, how He loves."
Regrets. I have a few. Well, more than a few. I have a lot of regrets. I pretty much screwed up my life several years ago, and I just have not been able to live with that. Things have kind of worked out. Well, more than worked out. I have a great family, good friends, a fantastic wife, and now a beautiful house/home. Everything around me is great, just not me. How do we live with, or get past regrets? They have become an every day, every hour, almost every minute part of my day. And they keep adding up. They affect my relationships, and confidence, and quality of life. The exponential power they have over me is truly overwhelming.
Grace is something that I am drawn to and repelled by at the same time. I love it. But I can't seem to just accept it. I keep trying my best. Ganbatte! And of course, my best seems to fall far short of what I think it should be. I can't seem to escape it though. Grace that is. It has invaded my life with blessings that I most definitely do not deserve. I've done my best to screw up my life, and succeeded in many ways, yet things have seemed to turn out ok. I do not regret marrying my wife. I do not regret purchasing this house. I do not regret where I am now, I just regret who I am. Many people say I don't have regrets, because if my past hadn't happened I wouldn't be where I am, or I wouldn't have meet the love of my life. Sure. But what I regret is not how things have ended up, but how I've ended up. I want to be a better man, and husband to my wife. I want to be a better man, son, and brother to my family. I want to be a better man and fellow citizen to my community. Right now I don't feel sufficient for any of those things. I feel very broken, and unable to allow myself to be fixed.
Logically I understand that Grace doesn't care about the past, and I can move on. But practically I seem unable to do so. I hope that this might be a part of the process.
3 tricks for self-editing
10 hours ago
2 comments:
Good news! This is just like another time...
There once was a whole army of men who were seasoned warriors yet crippled with fear and shame. They couldn't face the giant of an enemy before them. Just in the nick of time, a young shepherd king took it on himself to engage the enemy. He killed the giant and delivered the army.
Also, there once was a young brother sold into slavery, punished unjustly and later made a prince. In a moment of dire need he provided life-giving grain to his wicked brothers and received them back to himself with tears of gladness.
Also, there once was a man asked to provide wine at a wedding. He sat in the midst of that joyous celebration sipping the coming sorrow of another occasion upon which he would provide wine for his own bride.
And now wicked and cowardly brothers like us can rest. Even as we sit in the midst of this current sorrow, we can sip the coming joy knowing our future has been secured by the real hero of the story, this same servant king who shows up to rescue his people.
Hey Step, thanks for reading and posting. I do love those stories, I'm just having a hard time getting into them, so to speak. After I read this I got to thinking about it, and I think part of the problem is I want to be the heroes in those stories. I want to slay the giant with just stones. I want to show forgiveness to my brother's who have wronged me. I want to suffer nobly for one I love purely without any selfishness, while she is unknowingly rejoicing. It's hard for me to not be the hero, but be the fearful soldier, the wicked brother, and the undeserving bride. So maybe in actually recognizing that desire in the full light of things that will help me accept that I'm not the hero, but the forgiven villain. Thanks Step.
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